Color Me Butterfly

Dad, this is my very first Father's Day without you. You died suddenly in September and I have been on an emotional rollar coaster ever since. I am thankful that the last couple of years I could sit next to you and talk baseball and grandkids minimizing the flashbacks of the senseless beatings. I am thankful that I could forgive you even though you never really asked to be forgiven. I wanted to ask you so many questions; Why were you such an angry person? Why so much beer? Why so much fear and trembling in our household when you came home? I was embarrassed to bring friends home from school because I never knew what to expect. Dr. Jeckle or Mr. Hyde. But in the in dad you looked lonely and regretful. There was no point in breaking down for you all the ways you shattered a little girl that needed to be re-built through lots of prayer, counseling and a supportive husband. I was able to sit with you those final days and love you with all my heart because I had truly released you. I found compassion deep in my heart because I could see that that you had not forgiven yourself. This is my final gift to you. No, I can't drop by with a card or a lunch date, you are now six feet under and hopefully your spirit flies free above the clouds. This year I wish you peace and fulfillment, whatever it is that you could not find here on Earth. I am thankful that I grew to love you deeply in the end and forgive you from the depths of my soul so that when you drifted away you could know that you left behind seeds of unconditional love, kindness. I have a an understanding of the human nature that will be past down to your grandkids. Without my experiences, as unfortunate as they were, I would not be who I am today. So thank you dad for instilling in me a rescillience that has been tested tried and true. I love you, I miss you and I am sorry that I didn't get to know you in a more positive light. Regardless you are my dad and I am a part of you and thankful that you brought me into this world. Hopefully my experience can make a difference. Happy Father's Day Pop...I LOVE YOU! Enjoy your newfound freedom.