Color Me Butterfly

I'M A 42 YEAR OLD WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND AND LEFT HIM IT WAS HARD BUT BECAUSE OF MY KIDS I DID BUT NOW I AM INVOLVED WITH A WOMAN FOR ABOUT 9 YEARS NOW I LOVE HER BUT SHE IS VERY CONTROLLING AND ITS TO THE POINT THE ONLY PEACE IF MIND I HAVE IS WHEN I'M AT WORK OR WHEN I'M DRINKING AND I DON'T WANT TO DRINK MYSELF TO DEATH SHE HAS ON OCCASSIONS HIT ME SHE ALWAYS PUTS ME DOWN SAYING I WILL NEVER BE NOTHING IF IT WAS'NT FOR HER I WILL STILL BE A CRACKHEAD WHEN I MEET HER I WAS GETTING HIGH AND SHE DID'NT EVEN KNOW I WAS A WHAT YOU WOULD CALL A FUNCTIONAL CRACKHEAD OVER THE PAST 15 YEARS OFF AND ON BEFORE HER AND I ADMITED TO HER THAT I SMOKE CRACK ABOUT 3 YEARS INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP I NEVER STOLE FROM HER OR ANYONE THE LAST TIME I GOT HIGH I ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL HAVING A MILD STROKE THAT WAS ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO NOW AND SHE ALWAYS THROWS IT UP IN MY FACE SHE PUT ME OUT HER HER HOUSE AND MADE ME WALK TO MY MOMS HOUSE ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASSION AND NOW I'M IN A DIFFERENT CITY THAN MY FAMILY SHE CAN'T PUT ME OUT NOW BECAUSE I MADE SURE MY NAME WAS ON THE LEASE TO THIS TIME I FEEL LIKE A PRISONER IN MY HOME SHE LISTENS TO MY PHONE CALLS CHECKS THE HOUSE AND MY CELL PHONE TO SEE WHO CALLED AND CALLS NUMBERS BACK THAT SHE DON'T KNOW SHE ALWAYS THINK I'M CHEATING ON HER WHEN I GO SEE FAMILY ANN MY KIDS IT'S AND ARGUEMENT ABOUT THAT SO MOST OF THE TIME I DON'T GO AND WHEN I DO SHE WANTS TO TALK TO THEM TO MAKE SURE THAT'S WHERE I'M AT I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS ANYMORE MY KIDS ARE ALL GROWN NOW AND SHE DON'T LET THEM COME AROUND IF I SAY THEY ARE COMING OVER THAT'S AN ARGUEMENT SO I DON'T INVITTE THEM OVER SHE SAYS IF I LEAVE HER SHE WILL HAVE NOBODY SEE HER FATHER DIED ABOUT A YEAR AGO THAT WAS HER ONLY PARENT HE RAISED HER AND I FEEL BAD EVERTIME I SAY I'M LEAVING SHE LOOKS SO HELPLESS I AM A GOOD PERSON WITH A GOOD HEART AND DON'T WANT TO HURT HER BY LEAVING IT HURTS ME KNOWING THAT IF I LEAVE SHE WILL HAVE NOBODY BUT I ALWAYS PUT OTHERS PEOPLE FEELINGS IN FRONT OF MINE NO MATTERS HOW I FEEL OR HOW SAD I AM IN ON THE INSIDE SO WHAT CAN I DO I WANT TO LEAVE BUT I CAN'T I FEEL AS THOUGH IT WILL HURT HER MORE THAN ME IF I LEFT IM AM TIRED OF WALKING ON EGGS SHELLS AND FEELING LIKE I'M A CHILD WITH NO SAY SO ALSO I'M THE ONE WITH THE MOST INCOME AND SHE SAY IF I LEAVE SHE CAN'T AFFORD TO LIVE ON HER OWN AND WHEN I'M AT WORK SHE CALLS TO CHECK UP ON ME TO SHE EVEN TIMES ME ON HOW LONG IT SHOULD TAKE ME TO GET TO WORK AN BACK HOME IF I'M LATE WE ARGUE PLEASE HELP ME
FROM ABUSED AND CONFUSED

Love does not put down, knock down, be little and it never should hurt.
You will find the way when you are good and tired, hopefully before it hurts anymore or anyone else.
Read back to yourself what you have expressed, then ask yourself what if this were someone else? Your sister, daughter, someone close and dear to your heart, what would you say?
When you are ready, move on, don't look back, don't go back.It takes time to get back what is yours (emotionally, spiritually), however the feeling of freedom,such relief, it is beautiful, there is nothing else to compare.
You are not alone.
Stay Blessed