Color Me Butterfly

I have come to the conclusion today that I am subconsciously perpetuating my own abuse cycle. I was an abused child and of an abused mother and every relationship I have ever had, friends included sans one, seem to be in one way or another abusive. I figured this out today speaking with my mother who is now a sad lonely woman. has anyone else felt this way? I sort of need someone to bounce feeling around with.

Dear B.,
This is my first time on this site and I saw your blog and had to reply. I am a clinical psychologist and i specialize in physical, sexual and emotional abuse. I have also worked for several years in a "safehouse" for women and children who were fleeing from abusive situtaions.

Please know that many factors are all influencing your continued engagement in an "abusive cycle", probably the least of which is massochistic tendencies on your part (meaning you are to blame). When children come from abusive situations (like you and your mother), you are more likely to have not had an opportunity to see first hand and observe through modeling experiences healthy relationship skills patterns like many do in the general population. When we do not observe and learn healthy coping and relational skills in our family of origin when we are young, that means that we must attempt to understand and learn these things when we are older. This is MUCH harder to do because we have developed personality habbits that are difficult to break. In addition, finding people to help teach you healthy relational patterns (like counselors/ clergy, etc.) are much more difficult to find (and inconvenient).

That you are seeking out supportive services on this website despite the obsticacles that you have had to overcome is a testament to you, and I'd venture a gusess that you are one strong cookie. You should be proud of yourself for all of the things you have accomplished despite the obsticales you have had to endure!

The fact that many of your friends/support system are also in conflict-riddled relationships is not surprising and quite normal, actually. We have the tendency to gravitate with people we feel a kinship to or those we believe we can identify with in some way.

Lstly, if you believe that in your heart you are "perpetuating" the abusive cycle, it is probably due to feelings of low-self esteem and/or depression resulting from years of abuse THAT WAS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT! You deserve better and it is attainable and within your reach. PLEASE seek help today if you have not already. Call a local domestic violence organization (oftentimes they offer free counseling) or call another professional whose opinion you respect.

Hope this helps you have a bit of peace in your day,
with love...
Tracey

Hi. I just read your blog and I have to reply. My father was terrible. My Mom did the best she could, but he abused her daily for years. I tried to be perfect growing up. In fact I was voted most likely to succeed in school. I was even a peer counselor. No one knew. My older brother and I lived double lives. Now although my life is a mess. I married a man that abused me in every way. Sexual, physical and emotional. He ofcourse was horribly abused growing up. No drugs are involved, just intense anger and low self esteem. My husband has begun to break the cycle of abuse with me, however, I have changed over the years and I seem to be more like him. I have the worst esteem than ever, although I never thought highly of myself to begin with. I feel hopeless and like a complete failure with my children. I am not suicidal, I just feel so trapped. I want the best for my children and I often wonder if someday they will hate me. I surround myself with people that treat me horribly, now I feel like I am becoming what I hate. Beleive me, you are not alone.