Color Me Butterfly

Interview with L.Y. Marlow

Q. You have written a book about four generations of women in your family who suffered domestic abuse. How widespread is domestic violence?

A. I think domestic violence is more prevalent than we care to imagine. I’ve seen four generations of it—having been a victim of domestic violence, having come from a mother and grandmother who experienced domestic violence, and then ultimately a daughter. But it really didn’t resonate with me until I started researching and writing the book Color Me Butterfly, which is based on the true story of my family. And after having done that, I was more in touch with the realities about domestic violence and how widespread it is across every ethnicity, every culture. It knows no barriers or lines. It exists in all of our communities.

Q. How often does domestic violence transcend generations?

A. That’s a very good question. It wasn’t until I finished writing the book that I understood this epidemic called intergenerational abuse, which shows how domestic abuse has a way of carrying over from one generation to the next in many ways. For example, a daughter might see her mother who was abused, and therefore she goes out and finds a man that becomes abusive. Or a son might observe his father abusing his mother, and then later he mirrors this behavior. Intergenerational abuse has many faces and is passed on in many ways—whether it’s from a mother to a daughter . . . a son to a father. It’s very widespread.

Q. Most writers have a catalyst that makes them finally sit down and write. What was yours?

A. My catalyst for writing the book was the stories my mother and grandmother shared with me about their experiences with domestic violence. I started to do some inner work for myself, and I realized that some of what I struggle with, even today with myself and my daughter, is informed by my mother and grandmother’s experiences. So I wanted to share with the world the story of my grandmother, my mother, myself, and my daughter. And not just about the abuse, but also the strength and courage we each have and how it helped us to overcome our circumstances. I know that our faces are the faces of many women.

Q. In Color Me Butterfly, you go into the past two generations (to tell your grandmother and mother’s stories) and then you go forward one (to tell your daughter’s). How difficult was your research? How open were your relatives to talking about such a volatile topic?

A. The research wasn’t difficult because the information that I needed lived in the memories of the women in my family. What was difficult, however, was coming to terms with the suffering and abuse that we each encountered. That was very difficult. As I was writing the book, there were times that I would have nightmares; I could feel the presence of all of these people in the book: my grandfather, my grandmother, my father, my mother, my siblings. Many of them have since passed on, and I wanted to ensure in telling our story that I told the truth, and more importantly, that I told it in a voice and tone that the women in my family would be proud of. That was difficult, as well. So while I did have to do some research to become more familiar with the issues of domestic violence, what was most difficult was coming to terms with each woman’s suffering and making sure that I told our story in a way that would empower us and all women.

Q. Did you ever question your decision to write this book and wonder how the people in the story would react to your sharing it? How did you deal with their reservations?

A. Yes, I did have moments of doubt; and in fact, no one in my family was allowed to read Color Me Butterfly until after it was published. I did not want judgments or taboo topics in my family to influence the writing. I also didn’t want my family to feel like they had to give advice or influence the final manuscript.

Q. What do you think are the root causes of domestic violence?

A. I think you have to look at domestic violence from two perspectives: the perspective of the abuser and the perspective of the victim. In terms of the abuser, causes of the behavior can vary. Based on the research I’ve done, I have found that it could be the result of coming from a family in which the individual witnessed domestic abuse. It could also be about control or anger issues and the difficulties of releasing frustration in a way that’s constructive. Drugs and alcohol sometimes play a role. Of course, there are many more factors. In terms of the victim who stays with an abuser, it could be due to the fear of being alone. Many abused women struggle with the fear of leaving. For example, a woman might think she’ll be in worse trouble if she tries to leave. A lot of abused women fear raising children on their own. There are many reasons why a victim may choose to stay. This is why it’s important that both the abuser and the victim understand their reasons for the behavior and seek the appropriate help.

Q. More and more teenage girls are finding themselves in abusive relationships. Why is this group particularly vulnerable?

A. Abusive relationships amongst teens are on the rise, and there are girls as young as 14 years old in this group. It’s becoming more and more common because many of these young women are attracted to a certain image. A lot of them find the “bad boy” image very desirable. That is not to say that every young male with the bad boy image is an abuser. I know many young women, including my daughter, who claim they feel special when a young man has control over their lives. If he hits them and then later comes back and makes up with them, they believe this is his way of expressing love. I think this age group is more vulnerable because they are young; unfortunately, when abuse starts at such a young age, it can easily carry into their adult life.

Q. Abuse transcends socioeconomic strata, education, race, and ethnicity. What are the common links between those who allow themselves to be in abusive relationships?

A. One of the campaigns that I will be promoting is called the Saving Grace Campaign (The Face of Domestic Violence), and the message behind this campaign is that domestic violence no longer has the face it once was thought to have; it transcends all socioeconomic, race, ethnicity, and education levels. In the past, domestic violence has been thought of as an issue particular to the lower classes, the uneducated. We now know, however, that this is not the case. Domestic violence occurs in the upper classes as often as it does in the lower classes. It’s just not as apparent or as openly discussed. Unfortunately, lower-class women may not have the same kinds of resources as upper-class women to help them get out of an abusive situation. Perhaps because of that, women in the lower classes may tend to stay in an abusive situation longer.

Q. What are some common threads between abusers?

A. Control is a key factor. Another common factor would be drugs and alcohol. Also jealousy, anger, and hostility. Often low self-esteem. The behavior often stems from intergenerational abuse, where the perpetrators have been exposed to this behavior in their family lives. I think Color Me Butterfly offers a candid look at these different factors.

Q. How widespread is abuse?

A. Domestic violence is very widespread. There are no barriers, and research shows that it transcends all socioeconomic cultures.

Q. What age group is most vulnerable to domestic violence?

A. I do think that domestic violence is becoming more prevalent amongst younger women. I also think that there’s been a shift in paradigm. Women are more independent. They’re buying their own homes, having babies on their own. And so many of them are now more empowered to leave an abusive situation as they get to a certain socioeconomic place in their lives. So I do believe there’s a shift that is happening, but I don’t think that it necessarily has to do with age. I think it has to do with the ability for a woman to reach a certain place in her life where she can get out of a bad situation, and this also depends on the level of resources a woman has at her disposal.

Q. Domestic violence laws are written so that in order for a woman to use legal means to stop an abuser, she must first suffer physical abuse. How can we prevent abuse in more proactive ways?

A. I think there are two ways that we as a society can help: we need to increase education and heighten awareness. And on a very personal level. When I first began researching domestic violence, I was inundated with so much information, but it wasn’t anything that was specific to my situation. I think we need to get out in the trenches and educate. We need to go into the high schools, into the colleges, into the churches, into the workplace—areas that are often overlooked. In Color Me Butterfly, a coworker played an integral role in empowering me to get out of an abusive situation. So I believe that if we go into these places, we can educate and raise awareness among more people.