Color Me Butterfly

I was sixteen years old the first time my left eye was blackened, my lip split.  The culprit:  my seventeen-year old boyfriend.  In a jealous rage he beat me because he thought I was seeing another boy.  Not true.  And by the time the swelling started to rise, he had folded me in his arms and begged for forgiveness. 

With tears in his eyes, he swore it’d never happen again – that he didn’t know what had come over him – that he’d done it because he loved me so much.  For weeks afterwards, he made me feel special, cared for me in ways that no one had ever cared for me.  He even had a knack for making me feel that I was overreacting; that perhaps it was my fault.  Maybe I shouldn’t have stirred the situation, provoked him. 

The next beating came soon after the first.  But this time, I told myself that I was leaving, that he didn’t deserve me.  But again, his soft melodic voice sent a fierce strike of lightning right through my heart.  My heart swelled with forgiveness.  Then the next time, he showed up with an arm full of roses.  And the next time, he smothered me with promises and regrets.  And the next time, he cried so hard that I cried too.  And the next time.  And the next time.  And the next time.  Until soon, I began to lose count and accepted my fate.  I had become a statistic.

This is my story, one that is too often told.  Stories that fester from women who come from all walks of life – young, old, the haves and the have-nots.  Domestic violence has no barriers, offers no dividing lines.  It rears its ugly head in every culture, every community. And it’s sad to say that it’s on the rise.  Domestic violence is one of the leading causes of emergency room visits by women.

I wish I could say that my story ended that fateful day when the swelling started to rise.  I wish I could say that I had never heard of or been exposed to domestic violence before I was sixteen.  I wish I could say that this phenomenon did not exist in my family before I was a stitch in my family’s fabric line, a seed in my mother’s womb.  I wish I could say that sixty years of domestic violence has not prevailed my family; but those wishes are just that – wishes. I come from a legacy of women – four generations to be exact – where every kind of domestic abuse has been at the hem of my family’s fabric; and in Color Me Butterfly, I tell the unnerving, real and brutal story about my grandmother, my mother, myself and even my daughter.

Domestic violence and abuse can take many forms.  It includes psychological, emotional, physical, verbal and sexual.  What are the signs?  There are plenty.  Here are ten signs to detect whether you’re involved in or headed toward an unhealthy, abusive relationship.

1.  Exaggerated Anger and Hostility
 Does he often express his anger physically and/or verbally in an exaggerated way? 
 
2.  Blame 
Rather than own his mistakes or problems, he often blames you or makes you feel like it’s all your fault. 

3. Jealousy
He constantly accuses you of having an affair.  He doesn’t trust you whenever you’re away from him.

4.  Isolation
He dictates who you can talk to and who you can see. The repercussions become so unpleasant, that you begin to isolate yourself from everyone but him.

5. Control
He erodes your independence.  You have to seek his permission to do things on your own or to go places.  He controls who you can see, what friends you should have, what time you should return.

6. Sexual Abuse and/or Control
He takes advantage of you sexually or makes unreasonable sex requests.

7. Emotional Bullying Which Leads To Low Self-Esteem
He often criticizes you, speaking negatively of your physical appearance, your sexual performance, your ability at your job, how you handle the kids, the state of the house.

8.  Alcohol and/or Drug Abuse
His personality changes and he becomes a different person whenever he drinks or does drugs.  He becomes aggressive; verbally abusive; more easily angered.

9. Overcompensate For His Mistakes
He uses charm to cover up his wrongdoings (e.g., buys your flowers or gifts after he’s screamed at or hits you.

10. Emotional Abuse and Manipulation
He meticulously chips away at your self esteem and self worth, blaming you for his violence or degrades you and makes you feel bad about yourself. 

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month – a time to raise awareness and healing.  If you believe you are in an abusive relationship, or even that your relationship is headed in that direction, seek support and help.  Turn to your family, trusted friends, and/or professional assistance.  Passive resistance does not work.  It takes a proactive response to keep from becoming a statistic. 

To learn more about Intimate Partner Violence or Domestic Violence contact:  The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE, www.ndvh.org.  Or visit www.colormebuttterfly.com for more information and resources.

Let’s stay healthy together!

L.Y. Marlow
Author, Color Me Butterfly