Color Me Butterfly

As a domestic violence survivor, one of the things that I struggled with more than anything else was finding the courage to move beyond it and heal.

After you’ve finally found the strength to come out of it, finding the courage to heal can be a daunting task.  You see, when you’ve been physically, emotionally, psychologically, verbally or sexually abused, your emotional state of mind, your self esteem and your self worth have been completely annihilated.  And although you’re finally out of that situation, the remnants of the abusive relationship is still with you, and the path to healing can be just as troubling. 

Through my own trial and tribulations, I am better able to understand that getting out of the relationship is the first step… staying out of it is the next step… and finding the courage to heal is the final, and sometimes, most difficult step.  Following are some tips that I’d like to share to help in this journey.

Get Help.  Primarily, you must get the help you so deserve.  Reach out to family, friends, and support groups or a counselor to share your feelings and help you to work through the healing process.

Let Go.  Don’t spend too much time wallowing in self-pity or lingering in the past.  Take time to grieve and then let go of any feelings of shame, guilt, anger, or regret.  You do a disservice to yourself whenever you harbor these feelings. 

Take Control.  While ending a bad relationship marks the end of that part of your life it also marks the beginning of a new life.  Take charge and make a decision to put this experience behind you and get on with the next phase of your life.

Embrace Optimism.  Optimism is essential to bouncing back.  You must embrace a ‘can do’ attitude and begin believing that there is a better life for you.  Optimism is the fuel to lighting the fire under your new life.

Rejuvenate Your Faith.  A very significant step to reestablishing your life is to continually seek spiritual growth and faith.  Spiritual connection can give you the power and strength you cannot gain on your own.

Take Time for You.  Take time to love and appreciate you.  Treat yourself to something nice – time alone, a good book, a movie, a new outfit.  Do something positive.  Do whatever makes you happy and do it often.  Practice the gift of loving and giving to yourself.

Jumpstart Your Self-Confidence.  You will not be able to move on to a better life until you enhance your self-confidence.  In order to succeed, redefine your self-image and regain the footing to push past this experience.  Begin the process to rebuild and nourish your self-confidence.

Pursue Your Dreams & Passion.  The most productive way to begin rebuilding our lives is to pursue our desires, dreams and passion.  Take the time to really think about what you enjoy and put a plan of action in place to pursue it.  There’s no greater happiness in life than to do the things that bring us the most joy.

Be Grateful.  You are a survivor!  You made it through rough times.  Embrace the strength that got you this far and be grateful for the positive aspects of your life.  Find purpose, peace and pleasure in this new phase of your life.

Choose to be Happy!  Happiness is a choice.  We each have the power to choose whether we will live a life filled with happiness or a life that’s thwart with pain and fear.  Make a choice today.  Start putting the pieces in place to live a happy, productive and fulfilled life.

 

Nothing has quite touched me the way I was touched a few weeks ago while speaking at a prominent hospital in Washington, DC.  After I’d delivered a very heartfelt and frank talk about my families’ personal experiences with 60+ years of domestic violence and abuse, and I finally opened the floor for questions, a man stood and shared a story that split my heart into two.

This man ever so bravely stood before a room full of strangers with tear stained eyes and shared a story of how when he was merely ten years old, how he’d watched his father horrifyingly beat his mother and how he’d gone to her aid and asked ever so tenderly “Mama, is there anything I can do,” and his mother answered:  “Just play in mommy’s hair baby.  Just play in mommy’s hair.”  He went on to explain that he often played in his mother’s hair after a beating to soothe her.  Then he went on to tell that he’d done just that and how hours later after his father returned, how they tried to wake his mother, but she wouldn’t wake up.   And then how after rushing her to the hospital, they later learned, that she had a Brain Aneurysm, apparently brought on by a ferocious blow to the head. 

He ended his story, by sharing that 20+ years later, he still felt responsible for his mother’s death because had he only not played in her hair, had he not let her fall asleep, that maybe, just maybe, his mother would be alive today.  This split my heart into half.  And what made my heart pound with unimaginable sorrow was when he so innocently stood with tears in his eyes and asked me…  “Ms. Marlow what can I do to stop my pain.”  I had no words for him.  All I could offer was a hug.

This man’s story is the story of many.  A story where so many innocent children have bared witness to the horrific realities of domestic violence and abuse.  A story where young innocent children are forced to come to their mother’s rescue.  A story where young innocent children grow up carrying the burden for a life they were too young and helpless to really understand.  A story that unfortunately is more common than we care to imagine.

Our children are falling victim to this horrific epidemic.  And if we don’t do something, there will be more men and women, bravely standing in front of a room full of strangers, with tear stained eyes, ever so innocently asking “what can I do to stop my pain.”