Color Me Butterfly

It should come as no surprise that Domestic Violence is one of the most silenced issues in our society.  We don’t talk about it in our families, we ignore it in our schools, we’re too embarrassed to discuss it in the workplace, we pacify it in our judicial system, and we shun it in the most high place – a place where we should be able to discuss and address almost anything -- Our Churches!

The foundation of all major human rights, women’s rights, and children’s rights began at the pulpit.  If we are ever going to put a dent in the severity of domestic violence and someday eradicate it all together, we must address it in the place where the highest number of people commune and congregate and have the power to move mountains.  The fact that there is this unsaid rule about discussing certain serious matters in the church in order to avoid upheaval is limiting our ability for healing and growth.

I’m sure we all have come across a news story or two where some church or pastor or member was involved in a domestic violence dispute.  Clearly if domestic violence is a force to be reckoned with within our churches, then we can no longer afford the nicety of ignoring that IT exists.  We must break the chains of silence in the pulpit!  And the only way to do this is to have an ‘open door policy’ at the pulpit.  We must begin to embrace it like we’ve never embraced anything else.

Did you know that nearly four women are murdered everyday as a result of domestic violence?  Meaning everyday some poor women is stripped from her family because of an enraged boyfriend or husband.  And the ironic thing is that these women are memorialized in our churches, and I can’t fathom the idea that when a church funeralizes a victim, that some uproar doesn’t occur that sends that church knocking for justice.  We can no longer just preach at the pulpit on the day of the funeral then turn a blind eye.  If four women are murdered everyday in the U.S. alone, then somebody in the church has to stand up and say NO MORE!

When I write, I come from a place of personal experience.  A place where my family has endured 60+ years, starting in the early 1940’s until now; and still I can’t believe that we, as a society, is still wrestling with a phenomenon that kills women and children; that we still have not addressed this issue in the masses.  I personally believe, that if we are ever going to make a difference and put a dent in domestic violence, we must – we are behooved – to start in a place that will make all the difference – a place of worship and cause – Our Churches!

Recently, I was enthralled by a program that I watched on PBS featuring Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, the internationally renowned self development author and speaker.  Dr. Dyer authored the book entitled Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life!   I was fascinated by Dr. Dyer’s message because I could relate to his message about how by changing your thoughts, you can change your life – in any situation – including abuse.

As a domestic violence survivor, I wholeheartedly support the idea of changing your thoughts to change your life.  At least I can say that changing my thoughts was key to my becoming a victor and no longer a victim.  Meaning, I needed to reprogram my mind and rebuild my self worth and self esteem – take back my power – if I was ever going to get out of that abusive relationship.

Oftentimes when I speak to a group, I usually share the story of a time when I was an eight-month pregnant battered young woman.  In this story, I tell of how one day while sitting on my porch and realizing that I was one of many young women who was in the same predicament – pregnant, battered and feeling alone – and realizing that I was them, and they were me – it was at that lowest point, in that very instant, I made the decision to change my thoughts and ultimately, my life. 

Shortly after that, my life began to change -- I got out of that situation, raised my daughter, put myself through school, became a senior executive at a well known global company, and later an award winning author -- and I have never looked back… except to share my experiences and inspire other women. 

Someone once said:  “You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you."

By no means am I suggesting that anyone in an abusive relationship is responsible for being there.  Actually, I’m suggesting the opposite… that though we are not responsible for someone else’s actions against us, we do have the power to change our circumstances.  And change first begins with our thoughts.

I believe that the first step to breaking free of an abusive relationship is accomplished first by removing any thoughts that you deserve to be mistreated, or that you’re unworthy of a healthy relationship.  Let changing your thoughts be the first step in the healing process. 

I encourage you to change your thoughts and you will inevitably Change Your Life!