A Cry in the Dark
Somewhere, there is a man who sits in the dark. He sits silenced by shame – the shame of ever letting anyone know his secret… a secret that he rarely reveals for fear he’ll be labeled or even judged. What is his shame? His shame is that he is one of many, many men who fall victim to domestic abuse.
A few weeks back, I titled one of my blog’s entry as ‘The Hushed Side of Domestic Violence’. In it, I discussed how men are victims too; how research consistently shows that women are as aggressive and/or initiates domestic violence as much or sometimes more often than men; that women are more likely to use weapons than men; and that men are more likely to be victims in dating violence; but because men don’t report it as often as women, this reality is grossly ignored.
That entry sparked a number of emails that I received from men applauding and commending me for speaking up on their behalf – for bringing to light that there is ‘two sides’ to domestic violence. One man wrote to tell me how for many, many years, he’d watched his mother abuse his father; another wrote how he had tolerated the most horrific abuse from his wife; and just recently, while speaking at a women’s event, a woman shed tears over how her son is consistently abused by his wife and how her 5 year old granddaughter had drawn a picture of a big house, with a big yard, a dog and a big sun spreading its light over them -- a depiction of that sad little girl's view of a happy home.
I, for one, know this to me true. I know it because I’ve seen it, and because more and more, I stand witness to how some women treat their men. Perhaps they may not physically abuse them, but they do verbally and emotionally abuse them. Just recently while at Blockbusters, there was a young women who stood in the parking lot – screaming such obscenities at her boyfriend that I was ashamed to regard her as a woman. It wasn’t enough to call him every terrible name one could think of -- no, she had to further belittle him by making a scene for all to see; and more and more, I’ve come to see this, especially amongst younger women.
I think we must understand that abuse comes in many ways --- physical, emotional, psychological, verbal and sexual. I believe that if we are to be true in our efforts to raise awareness and educate about domestic violence – that we can no longer ignore that it’s two-sided. Just as there are terrible, terrible men that abuse their women… in the same light, there are terrible, terrible women who abuse their men.
We need to come to terms that ‘A Cry in the Dark’ is lurking. There are many, many, men that fall victim to domestic violence; and just because they don’t report it as often as women, perhaps because of shame, fear, or just ego -- gives us no right to ignore them.
Let us take a stand for all those who are abused . . . including our men!
L.Y. Marlow
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