The 'Hushed' Side of Domestic Violence
Nowadays, I don't think that there's a single day that I don't turn on my television, tune into my radio, glance at the internet, or skim the paper, that I don't see or hear yet another incident of domestic violence. It's soon becoming a daily occurrence, one that is often ignored until we hear about a victim being doused in gasoline, shot in the face, or her dismembered torso found in her own garage. This, unfortunately, has become the 'Face of Domestic Violence.' And unfortunately, it is soon becoming our next Hornet's Nest.
I'd like to open the dialogue about the 'hushed' side of domestic violence. Quite frankly many just refuse to “talk about it." It's grossly ignored in our communities, in our churches, in the workplace, and in our own families. Most just either are unwilling to acknowledge that it's fast becoming an epidemic or just believe that if we just don’t talk about it then it will simply vanish into thin air.
The one certainty that we must all come to terms with is that domestic violence is not bias. It exists in every culture, every community. It crosses all ethnicity and creed. It makes no apology for whom and where it strikes. Its face exists everywhere, in everyone's. I'd go as far to say that the vast majority of families have experienced some form of domestic violence... whether they will admit it or not. Somewhere, somehow, someone is being abused in each family -- perhaps not physically or sexually, but maybe emotionally or psychologically.
Just recently I was running late for an errand and had just picked up lunch at a sandwich shop. As I was walking to my car, out of the shadows, a woman approached me. At first, she startled me because she just seemed to have come out of nowhere. Her words... "Excuse me Miss, but can I bother you for a ride? I just need to get to somewhere nearby." The nearby that I'd soon realized was the Amtrak train station just a few miles down the road. At first my antennas were raised because I thought that this was an odd request, especially nowadays when our world is lurking with so much danger. Then as I was just about to answer her, she suddenly turned and pointed to a nearby set of luggage. Having come from a family whom has experienced 60+ years of domestic violence, I immediately recognized the signs -- the 'brokenness' in her face, the 'terror' in her eyes. Clearly this woman was on her way somewhere, trying to get away from someone; and she had finally summoned up the courage to escape. It was immediately clear to me that she had been living in a ‘hushed’ situation since she apparently had not reached out to her own family and friends, but would rather stand in front of a sandwich shop and beg strangers for a ride. Nonetheless, for her, Today was to be the ‘Day’.
Another 'hush' that I'd like to explore is the fact that men are victims too. Research consistently shows that women are as aggressive and/or initiates domestic violence as much or sometimes more often than men; that women are more likely to use weapons than men; that 38% of injured victims are men; and that men are more likely to be victims in dating violence. But because men are less likely than women to report it or seek the help they too so deserve, this is an issue that has grossly been 'hushed' or just simply ignored.
Domestic violence is a widespread, international problem. If we are going to effect real change, I mean REAL change, then we must break the silence and uncover the realities about domestic violence. With the number of domestic violence cases revealed each day, no longer can we afford to keep it “hushed.” We MUST open up the dialogue, create an open door policy and embrace a culture that is willing to be honest and talk about it.
Keeping it “hushed” only encourages it to fester and manifest at an alarming rate.
L.Y. Marlow
18 Comments
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Reader Comments (18)
I was once in an abusive relationship and eventually left when I found the strength and couldn't stand by and watch him hurt me or his daughter anymore. It was a big mistake to let him in our lives, one so big that at times I wonder if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for letting him in. He didn't meet his daughter until she was ten. Over the next year...
It was really, I don't even know the word. I remember I broke down in the shower after I left, as though now reality was hitting me in the face. It didn't feel very nice. I hated myself. I hated him. I never knew I could feel hate.
I lost a lot of passion for life, people too. During and after I left him. It's been two and a half years and still I fight to be who I once was, that girl with the biggest smile and spirit. I never knew I could be so unhappy. I never knew I could ever become depressed. I never believed that. I never believed that spirit could be taken away. But it was. It really was. He had managed to break my spirit. But a mother's love never leaves. A mother's love is always strong. And I Thank God I have my soul to be strong in its replace.
Life is much different. I don't even know where to start finding myself never mind to forgive myself. I'm not one of those people who takes mistakes lightly and I've always taken my responsibilities seriously. More than anything I let myself down. In all the years of foreshadowing I knew it would eventually all come, all his garbage. I was trying to do the right thing and I ended up trying to survive. I pray to God my daughter will forget it all.
I learned a lot about myself. I saw my life flash again before my eyes the night in the kitchen at my father's house (it was where we went when I left my daughter's father). My daughter and I were getting dinner at the stove. My father walked up to us and looked at my daughter and said, "You're the stupidest person I've talked to today."
I can't tell you how furious I was. To think this man, this ignorant, drunk man, was talking to her the way he was when he knew damn well where we had just come from. I was so angry. I was so angry. And I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't do a thing. If I had said anything he would have kicked us out on the street right away that night. It was then, at that god damn ugly moment, I saw my life flash before my eyes; I saw how and why I ended up with my daughter's father, I saw how my father had always treated me, I saw my father's booze working to kill us too, just like him. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand it. People are merely animals. These weren't even men.
I don't feel like a woman. No different than I never felt like a daughter. And I have no desires in all this time. But I no less feel like a mother. I love her so much and fought all the way to protect her. Then the law let us down and cheated more of our Time.
I worry. I worry that awareness will never be reached unless people live through it. I know my daughter has never fully understood, has even rebelled. I've had casual conversations with a couple women at work in the past and they are so naive, and were ignorant actually, and honestly didn't get it. And I am so passionate about it that to see their ignorance literally turns me off. How do we teach those who don't want to learn...
I pray for you and your mission. You've made a wonderful decision for your life and work.
It's obvious you are a person who not only has been touched by domestic violence but who is sincere enough to expand the issue to cover all victims, not just some of them or the ones you might relate most too. It is an intergenerational cycle that cannot be stopped without addressing all of it as a whole.
We deeply and sincerely thank you.
Thank you for your honesty and courage.
What are those studies? Could you site the research?
Judy
http://www.deafadvocacy.org/blog/2008/04/sad-existence-of-domestic-violence.html
Hope everyone enjoys the blog post.
We recently wrote an article (http://brainblogger.com/2008/06/08/woman-comparable-to-men-in-domestic-violence-stereotypes-and-their-consequences/) on drugs and pharmacology news on (http://brainblogger.com/) It's extremly common to hear about violence against women and about male batterers rather than about violence against men and about female batterers. But have you heard about it happening the other way around?
We would like to read your comments on our article. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Kelly
I never realized how many people still suffer from domestic violence and how unbelievably marginalized it is. Since I've started my work with survivors, I seem to recognize them out of the woodwork, even if they are not ready to break free. It's interesting.
I am an artist trying to use my art to help survivors of domestic violence share their story through visual art. My plan is to educate the public like you are doing by talking about unusual situations about domestic violence and show that stereotypes don't exist. I have a nonprofit http://braveryproject.org in which I plan to have a major art online art exhibit to raise money for other nonprofits who help victims. You may be interested.
I would love to hear from you,
Vickie
On several occasions, Joy came to work with visible bruises on her neck and arms. She eventually explained to us that Shan had punched, beaten, and choked her and she asked us for help. As wardens for the community, we tried to place Joy in women’s shelters around the city in an effort to mitigate the abuse. However, at the urging of Shan’s mother and aunt, Hortensia and Elvira, she returned to their apartment and refused to press criminal charges against Shan Colorado Finnerty. The abuse continued and one day, she came to work very early, visibly distressed and crying, with more bruises and abrasions. She said that Shan had verbally abused and beaten her once again; that she wanted to return to California, and that she was going to quit her job and reunite with her family. She tendered her resignation later that week. Out of concern for her safety and in an effort to find out what happened to her, we requested an officer from the domestic violence unit of the 5th Precinct conduct a welfare check at their home on Kenmare Street. However the officer was unable to find anyone at the apartment, and therefore could not verify that Joy was safe. We realize that she is suffering from battered women’s syndrome and may be unable to help herself due to the isolationist environment that the Colorados have formed around her. Abusive men are often enabled by their family, while the victim is persuaded to believe the abuse is her fault, and the pattern of emotional and physical trauma continues. Taking into consideration what has happened to Joy Loftin, it is especially deceitful that their display "Altar: El Llanto De La Resistancia" at the American Indian Community House was in part dedicated to victims of domestic violence.
In light of these events, we are dismayed, disappointed, and outraged to know that members of the American Indian Community would commit, condone, and perpetuate domestic abuse and violence, while simultaneously conducting workshops, writing and performing plays, and displaying works and art that would have the public and those who support them believe otherwise. It is a vulgar and offensive misrepresentation of American Indian Culture, and further support of Coatlicue Theater, Hortensia Colorado, Elvira Colorado, Shan Colorado Finnerty and their work is tantamount to supporting domestic abuse and violence. Considering their duplicitous behavior, having them represent American Indian Culture is an insult to the dignity of American Indians and an affront to human beings.
We therefore will not attend nor support any Coatlicue Theater productions or events where they will be featured. We will be encouraging others that might consider attending, participating, or funding them to do the same. Our actions are warranted, and to be associated with the aforementioned individuals and Coatlicue Theater would be equivalent to enabling and contributing to such offensive behaviour. We are urging everyone to reevaluate their support of Coatlicue Theatre and the Colorados, and question the individuals concerned. Until the responsible individuals are held accountable and measures are taken to verify that the abuse is no longer occurring, we will continue with our boycott of Coatlicue Theatre and we will strongly urge others to do the same.
California State University Professor Martin Fiebert's online bibliography http://www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm
Harvard Medical School announced a major national study on the issue and found these astonishing results.
http://www.patienteducationcenter.org/aspx/HealthELibrary/HealthETopic.aspx?cid=M0907d.
A recent 32-nation study by the University of New Hampshire found women are as violent and controlling as men in relationships worldwide. http://www.unh.edu/news/cj_nr/2006/may/em_060519male.cfm?type=n
http://pubpages.unh.edu/~mas2/ID41E2.pdf
This data is recognized by the American Psychological Association.
http://www.apa.org/monitor/oct06/pc.html
This Canadian government report also recognizes the above data.
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/familyviolence/pdfs/Intimate_Partner.pdf
See Dutton, D., & Corvo, K., 'Transforming a flawed policy: A call to revive psychology and science in domestic violence research and practice,' (11) 2006, 457-483, http://www.nfvlrc.org/docs/DuttonCorvo.policypaper.pdf
There is more information at http://www.menslegal.com/domestic-violence/
I waited so long
I wanted to believe it
but somehow shook it off as wrong
God said he would make my enimemies a footstool
and the angels have charge over me
No need to peek out the window
afraid of what I'll see
the Ghost is alive
yet maybe he's dead
the truth will come out
when it's all done and said
When I met him
he was very much alive
he was friendly
enthusiastic
a great acheiver
a clean freak
a master chef
a wonderful dance teacher
an old school rock and roller
a hip drummer
a concerned parent
a great romantic
a delightful comic
collected Base ball cards
he knew all the words to Rocky Raccoon
knew everything about Mick Jagger
Dr Jekyll meets Mr. hide
the evil poured out from the devil inside
I prayed and I prayed and I spoke in the spirit
I rebuked the Devil
but he couldnt hear it
fling me up there throw me down here
drag me and choke me and then say Come here
the knife was so cold
his fist so hard
the rain made mud puddles
all over the yard
My feet got so wet
I was so very tired
exuasted from listening
to the words of this lier
I waited him out
I called his bluff
such a long journey
the way was so tough
now they are saying
what I want to believe
their saying he dead
I say did he bleed?
can't really be true
that my soul could rest
and throw off this burden
this weight on my chest
I was almost killed by a dead man
he was'nt dead then
and a song in her heart
she finally made it to the beach to make a brand new start
he just moved in
to the apartment next door
he had a sad sad story how he's gettin divorced
He asked her to take a little walk with him
and the sun sunk into the night
but when they got back he never let her go
he never let her outta his sight
He asked her to stay another minute with him
but he expected so much more
she said no he said yes
before she made it to the door
she looked around the room
the dungeon of her doom
she tried to run away so many times
but she could not escape this tomb
her song lost its reason and rhyme
He said that he loved her so very much
she knew that it wasn't true
she also knew that she was in too deep so she played the cards he drew
She belong to him
she lost herself
as he robbed her of her own self worth
he almost loved her too death
she knows the Devil walks this earth
He always plays the numbers one one one every night
one beer
one shot of whiskey
one more terrible fight
Her tears fell from Black and Blue eyes her eyes used to be green
bruises covered her arms and legs
and everywhere in between
She pretended it could happen
one day she'd be free
One chance is all she needs to find the girl she used to be
He told her just one little lie and that one became one more
She prayed to Jesus just one more time
before he beat her down to the floor
She remembers once when she'd been in love
It'd be nice to have love again
tonight she'll have to go to sleep beside a monster of a man
One million beatings
One million tears
One more day alive
one more time she'll face her fears
she'll do what she has to do
not even afraid to die
He had stolen so much from her
with no good reason why
She got a restraining order
he stalked her till she left town
now she has that one more chance to live this life she's found
the worst thing she now faces
are thenightmares and the traces of the scars left on her body and her mind
One million beatings
One million tears
One more day alive
one more time she'll face her fears
she'll do what she has to do
not even afraid to die
He had stolen so much from her
with no good reason why
you gotta live the music
if your gonna write the words
how will i know a sparrow
if ive never seen a bird
how could I say I love you
if my heart had never felt
the thing that cuts you like a knife
the next day makes you melt
we sat and talked
and shared a shot
of the finest tennesse whisky
he said Ive lived a lot of life
and his brown eyes got misty
he said Ive made
my share of mistakes
but I know what ive done right
you may think Im just a drunken fool
ramblin on tonight
if I tell you the world is flat
slap your money downand
bet on that
sometimes you shouldnt take advice
even when folks mean well
sometimes Jesus is your own best friend
when your walkin barefooted through hell
Whos tellin the truth
whos tellin a lie
whos gonna make you happy
whos gonna make you cry
be true to your own self
dont let your song get
dusty on the shelf
some will call you names
and at times youll be ignored
but If you know just who you are
its a cake walk not a war
if you count your losses
and you look for nothin more
you may never know whats waiting
for you behind the door
when everything is said and done
the Lord looks in your eyes
can you say I ran that race
or did you run and hide
did you think you werent good enough
or did you bring it home
did you love life to its fullest
o its precious when its gone
we sat and talked
and shared a shot
of the finest tennesse whisky
he said Ive lived a lot of life
and his brown eyes got misty
he said Ive made
my share of mistakes
but I know what ive done right
you may think Im just a drunken fool
ramblin on tonight
if I tell you the world is flat
slap your money downand
bet on that
sometimes you shouldnt take advice
even when folks mean well
sometimes Jesus is your own best friend
when your walkin barefooted through hell
Whos tellin the truth
whos tellin a lie
whos gonna make you happy
whos gonna make you cry
be true to your own self
dont let your song get
dusty on the shelf
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ksiUx8X0C4
When you used to know me
you did'nt know me at all
When you used to say my name
I'd answer to your call
I heard how you turned the page
to the letter of the law
I'm not buyin that foolish talk
and I'm not your Baby Doll
you know it always seems I'm fallin
into a never endin coffee cup
I'm fallin
A good womans love was'nt good enough
I fall down to
the first step where I started
can't believe I'm on this trip again
It always seems I'm fallin
I still have your toothbrush
In a cup up on the wall
Today I found your white shirt
In the closet down the hall
I hope that I will never forget you
but I don't want you again
We went through hell and we touched Heaven
but Damn if Your my Friend
you know it always seems I'm fallin
into a never endin coffee cup
I'm fallin
A good womans love was'nt good enough
I fall down to
the first step where I started
can't believe I'm on this trip again
It always seems I'm fallin
Fallin fallin fallin
into a never endin coffee cup
fallin
A godd womans love was'nt good enough
I fall down to the first step where I started
can't believe I'm on the trip again
It always seems Im fallin........
you know it always seems I'm fallin
into a never endin coffee cup
I'm fallin
A good womans love was'nt good enough
I fall down to
the first step where I started
can't believe I'm on this trip again
It always seems I'm fallin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOHg2qgRdHw
from Oxford Mississippi, Home of William Faulkner,
John Grisham, and the University of Mississippi.
which is alma mater of Eli and Archie Manning.
I was born in Houston Texas January 21, 1971.
I've been singing since I was old enough to talk.
I entertained myself as a child for hours
imitating vocal licks of the greats. Imulating what
I would hear and play the records over and over
untill I could do what I heard them do.
Some of my influences as a child that come to memory
are Crystal Gayle,Dolly Parton,Tanya Tucker
Johnny Mathis,Elvis Presley, and Juice Newton
As I became a teenager I was never really familier with the
Music of my peers. At the time I felt a bit left out,Not being able to
identify with them and their music because I had my own music world.
I began to open my world up to some of the bands that were popular
at that time and was fairly entertained by groups and entertainers such
as Van Halen,Tina Turner,Bon Jovi, Ratt, Twisted Sister, and
John Cougar but my
favorite cassette was one by Dan Fogalburg that Ijacked from my sister Teresa.
While the other kids were listening to a completely different groove I was
walking to school with
Dan in my walk man as a sophmore in highschool. One song stuck with me
through the years called The Leader of the band.
It was appropriate I guess. It touched me.
Truth be known I was still mostly fascinated by my old favorites.
My main training and biggest musical influence was my own parents
Keith Coleman and Ruby Tuesday.
I learned to sing 3rd part harmony in my bedroom listening to thier first album
"The Ruby Tuesday show band"
I was introduced to so many songs and styles through my parents who are fine
musicians and internationally known recording artists with songs
such as "The grass aint greener" which did very well on the charts as did "Dear Mother" and
"Would the real Keith Coleman and Ruby Tuesday please stand up."
In addition to recording they have successfully entertained audiences with their uncaning abilities
to tastefully and intrecatly imitate many amazing artists in vocals and look in their long running Floor show "The Las Vegas Revue"
I sang every chance I got with them as a guest singer as early
as 7 years old and then began
to sing back up in the summertime. And I have done many improvisations and impersonations in the revue
myself such as Wynona, Grandpa and Mama hes Crazy
Tanya Tucker, Delta Dawn, Jamestown fairy, whats your mamas name,
Sylvia "Nobody""Snapshot"
Tribute to Sandy Patti with "Bethlehem Morning"
My Vocal styles change with the project Im doing at the time
Someone said recently that when I sing its like Patsy Cline meets Gretchen wilson
Artists that I enjoy listening to today are
Faith Hill who can just about do anything! When I do a faith song I am satisfied with myself as a vocalist
Tim McGraw who is a genius with his ambition to try new sounds and
different tricks in his songs that help you remember his work.
Cowboy Troy who takes Country into a new zone like
On the club dance floor .
I am so sorry that I never studied Johnny Cash and June Carter I admit I took them for granted.
After watching walk the line I was thier biggest fan.
I adore Kris kristopherson Bobby and I sit for hours and listen to vinyl records
and roll all over his lyrics and his groove
Im Proud of my biological fathers accomplishments as well
Tommy Hammond who is an credited
singer and songwriter having recorded songs such as "Back to the couch again" by Jimmy Jay
"If you dont love me you should"written by My father Tommy Hammond along with The great Ray Dogett.
He recorded "Reconsider baby" im 1959 when he was voted Elvis of Houston.
There are numerous Cd's still being sold with this recording. He made many Television appearances on
shows in that day.one happy memory inparticular was the moment Roy Clark introduced him on
the Glen Campbell Good time hour.
I got married at 17 and divorced at 31
I raised a family of 4 children Kourtney Nikki Amber and Justin.
Who all love Music as I do But seem to choosing more contemporary careers however
My children are anything but contemporary. Their personalities are so different however so intriguing
and interesting as well as enjoyable each is an entertainer in their own right.
Its true I got married and started early, but I have to say I did have a plan
and even though Ive hit a few bumps in the road I stayed on track with my basic plan.
I wanted to learn life and experience and have something to write about.
How could I know a sparrow if Id never seen a bird.
I enjoyed singing at church and remember numerous sundays walking in and being asked to do the
special music and I had a whole hour to prepare.
I guess Ive always gotten a kick out of a good challenge. I remember Learning Dolly Partons "He's alive"
one morning in no time at all and then
when I sang the very last word I knew It was a job well done. Little things and small accomplishments
have meant so much to me in my music world.
I've spent time in Malibu California, Las Vegas, Saint petersburg Florida, and am now
settled back home in Oxford Mississippi with My kids and Fiance Bobby Andrews, who has been
one of my dearest friends since I was 2 years old.
I say all the time "I got to fall in love with someone that I already loved."
During my childrens younger years I still sang everyday and
every chance I could get on a stage I did many 4th of july celebration performances here in Oxford
mostly christian tracks and anything I could get my hands on I would learn
songs I remember singing are" Daddys hands" "I swear" "From a distance" and "Paid In Full"
My home church Is Clear Creek Baptist church in Oxford Mississippi where I
have so many memories of beautiful singers and musicians from the earliest of my years. I remember
Tommy Lane of bellview Baptist church in Memphis Tn. who sang with an articulate and gentle roar and
melodic perfection and Played Trombone with precise percission.
Not only was I inspired by this great man But My fiance Bobby was Inspired and learned the trombone
and went on to play in the Ole Miss band himself. Bobby and I talk frequently about memories of bible
school performances and revival guests.
Over the past ten years I have reached the point in my life that My experiances have given fual that
I needed to be able to write the songs that I have waited so song to aqaint myself with.
I've found that Each one of my songs seems to come to life when that last word is written.
I find that I have a emotional attachment to each phase and each note of my originals as an author
gets to know his own fictional charaters.
But my songs are not fiction I'll never write a song that I dont identify with either literally or metaphoracly.
I would describe my writing and my songs as works that Bring hope
make you think, Back up and regroup, tell the truth.
As Ive gotten older Ive bagan to identify with Johnny Cash and his essence of honesty.
Kris Kristopherson is also so amazing and My favorite thing about him that inspires me is he knows that someone may not like what he has to say
but hes never said anything that he didnt beleive or live. Thats the kind of artist I am